To Work or Not To Work

I write this post because I just finished the most phenomenal book I have ever read:  Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.  I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and it's like this book was dropped in my lap at the perfect time.

Now that I am pregnant with Baby #2 I think about what will happen after birth and what my job will be like. With Mila I was terrified that after having her I would not love my job as much anymore and it would be torturous to go to work every day; thankfully that is not the case and I truly love getting up (almost) every day and going to the office.  This time around I find myself wondering if I am going to be ABLE to do it.  Will we have enough money to have both kids in childcare? Will Robert be as willing to help as much with the new baby as he did with Mila (not to mention there will be two kids to care for this time)? Will leaving two kids at home change my mind about working? Finally, I still am wondering if this time around this baby will be the one to flip the switch and leave me hating work and despising our decision to create a lifestyle that requires both Robert and I to work, even if for me it's only part time.

Not only did Sanberg give great advice for women in asking for promotions or salary negotiation a large part of the book was spent on working mothers and the desire to "have it all."  She devotes one whole chapter to Making Your Partner a Real Partner, going on to say, "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman can make is whether she will have a life partner and who that life partner is, I don't know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully supportive of her career."  Five years ago, heck even two years ago, I couldn't have understood how valuable that statement is.  I absolutely could not devote the time and passion to my job without Robert's support, especially now that we have children.  As I have said previously, it never crossed my mind that Robert and I wouldn't have a 50/50 relationship because I knew before I married him that that's just the type of man he is.  He knew how important it was to me to work and he fully supported that decision; he might not have realized at the time that there would be days he would be the primary caregiver to our children or that he would have to make sacrifices of his own, but he's still all in and I couldn't be a luckier girl.  In the book Sandberg says, "A truly equal world would be where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes;" We've already got our home on board, guess I need to set my eyes on the company next :)

In encouraging women to continue working outside the home, Sandberg says that children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not develop differently than those who were also cared for by others.  She went on to quote a study that said: "Exclusive maternal care was not related to better or worse outcomes for children.  There is, thus, no reason for mothers to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work."  What a powerful statement.  This was  like music to my ears; with every question of "Will you continue to work" that is posed to me I always wonder if I am harming my children with my decision to stay in the workforce.  Speaking of, after reading a chapter one night I asked Robert if, since telling people that we were pregnant, anyone had asked him, "Will you continue working?"  He laughed and said not one person; I don't think there's been one person that hasn't asked me that.  I think that in itself is such a powerful example. As women we have fought so hard to be equal to men and to have the same opportunities that they do.  One of my favorite quotes from this book actually came from Judith Rodin, president of the Rockefeller Foundation and the first woman to serve as president of an Ivy League university: "My generation fought so hard to give all of you choices.  We believe in choices.  But choosing to leave the workforce was not the choice we thought so many of you would make."  Unfortunately so many women have to make this decision because their career is seen as less important to that of her husband.

Probably the most eye opening and affirming part of the book for me was in regards to child care.  Even in our relationship I know that if someone has to quit working, it will be me.  As with a large percentage of couples, Robert makes more money than me and I (think I) have more patience and desire to care for two children than he does.  I've often thought to myself, which has been confirmed by others, that if childcare gets so costly that I am working only to pay for someone to watch my kids I might as well stay home with them myself.  Sandberg, however, argues that professional women need to measure the cost of child care against their future salary rather than their current salary.  She quotes a study that says that women's average annual earnings decrease by 20% if they are out of the workforce for just one year and 30% after 2-3 years, which is the average amount of time that professional women leave the workforce.  That's a lot of money! I've invested a lot of time in my career, and I've worked hard to get to the place I am today.  It DOES make sense that continuing to work will increase compensation over time more quickly that stopping and re-starting; it makes me sad that no one has ever brought this argument up to me but I am glad that I've heard it now.

Although you might be thinking it does, this book does not shame a woman for wanting or having to stay at home with her children; rather it exalts them and argues that those moms should be recognized for the career they are doing as well, it's just much more "working mom" centered.  As you can tell, I think this book is absolutely phenomenal.  I have never been so excited to read a book nor so sad once it ended.  After reading the book it's comforting to know that I am part of a rare household and am a woman fortunate to have it all.  It's not all perfect but it IS work and it IS family and, more important, it's my all.  I get to have my cake and eat it too; and for that I will always be forever grateful to my wonderful husband.

10 Week Dr. Appointment

I had my first doctor's appointment with Dr. Nguyen today and it went great. We went over more of the "do's" and "don't's," talked about travel plans and she answered my questions.  Unfortunately this time around, with it being the second baby, we know that Robert likely won't be able to go to every appointment because of care for Mila and his working nights and my working days.  That being said he does want to be at the important appointments so I had called ahead to determine when the ultrasound would be.  Today was one of the appointments that Robert didn't come to and they did end up doing a scan for the heartbeat, which Robert missed.

Luckily, nowadays technology is among us and I was able to record the heartbeat (let me know if you want to hear it!) right there in the room (and Dr. Nguyen didn't even look at me like I was crazy).  We didn't think to record this for Mila so it's nice to have for the new baby, especially since Robert isn't able to be there every time like he was with her.

The most exciting news of the day wasn't the sound of the heartbeat, however; it was the fact that, if we COULD get a heartbeat (which we DID!), the chance of a miscarriage is less than 3% at this point. HOORAY!

Next appointments
6/26 at 3:15pm
7/31 at 4pm
9/4 at 4pm

20 Month Update - Mila

happy mother's day!

Favorite Foods: Food is the last thing on Mila's mind these days, she can hardly sit still long enough to eat.  She does love putting whole olives on her fingertips, wiggling them around and then eating them off, one by one.  A couple months ago we switched over from almond milk to soy milk which she absolutely loves; so much so that I have to take it from her mid-meal or she will fill up only on milk.

Signature Moves: Kisses for everyone! Mila kisses on the lips now when you ask for a kiss, it's the absolute most adorable thing in the world.  What's not so cute is her penchant for saying "no" all the time lately.  And it's not just that she says no, it's how she says it.  It's like "nnnnNOh;" such a sassy little thang!  We've been having more moments like this:

sassafras

and this:

what a fit!

...but we've found if you ignore it it stops!  She loves to put things on her head and then crack up at how silly she is.  Last time we were at Carters I bought Mila a necklace and bracelet and she was so enamored by it that I gave her all of my old bracelets. She now wears them, all at the same time, around the house.

Current Words: I feel like we're on the verge of a word explosion around here because Mila has started saying a lot of one-syllable words; not consistently but saying them nonetheless.  She's said "yes," "no," "hi," "bye," "cheese," "agua" (water), "si" (yes), "please," something that sounds like "thanks," "book," and "bat" to name a few.

Favorite Activities: Mila is super into reading lately and wants to read at least three books every night before bed. She will just keep going to get books and bringing them to you to read.  She loves being outside and, after being scared of her swimming pool last year, she loves being in it this year.

She also loves coloring and stickers, which is nice for a little quiet time.

For all of this months pictures, click here.

This family of three...

will soon become a family of four!

our first picture as a family of four!

Unfortunately there's no "bun in the oven" reveal this time, but I can say that I KNEW I was pregnant this time. I even told Robert about a week before my missed period; he didn't believe me of course (I'm never right!) but I knew it.  While there was nothing fancy about breaking the news to Robert, it was such a powerful, calming feeling to know before it was confirmed.

As I am only 9 weeks pregnant it's still early in the game so I will probably wait on the Facebook announcements but I wanted to have a record to look back on as I did with Mila.  This pregnancy has already been different than mine with Mila because I am not so tired this time around but I am STARVING (like waking up in the middle of the night, wanting to eat starving) all the time.  I have also been having some days where I feel pretty nauseous ; all of these differences lead my to think that it's a boy this time around but who knows!

My first doctor's appointment was last week with the nurse practitioner, who ensured that I was, in fact, 8 weeks along and my cervix looks nice and healthy.  She also confirmed my due date...Christmas Day 2014!  This is sure to be another exciting year that we are all looking forward to!

Next appointment
Wed 5/28 at 2:30pm

Poo poo in the pot-tee!

We've got big plans over here for this holiday weekend!!! I will be spending the weekend attempting to potty train Mila! Wish me luck!!

Everybody Poops is an enthralling read...Mila highly recommends it!

19 Month Update

We had a great time this month.  Mila experienced her first earthquake...and slept right through.  We did come into her room in the morning, though, and found two pictures on the floor (she is clearly unfazed).

We dyed Easter eggs for the first time and it was so cute.  She had no clue what was going on and wanted to put all of the eggs in one bowl.  It seems that dying Easter eggs is a lot of work for like 10 seconds worth of dying.

She did great on her Easter egg hunt though!  I do think we were a bit overzealous in that we hid 12 eggs and after finding six she was done and wanted to eat all the goodies from the Easter Bunny instead.

Easter Dress

Favorite Foods: Mila has actually slowed down her eating and no longer wants to eat everything.  I have found that she understands what you're saying in regard to food that I didn't realize in the past. For example, if she wants more yogurt and you tell her she needs to take a couple more bites of her sandwich first then that's exactly what she does.  Speaking of yogurt, she is  OBSESSED still and wants to eat it all the time. She still loves fruit and tends not to eat most meat for whatever reason.  Today I gave her long spaghetti and she had a fun time slurping it up into her mouth.

slurping her mac & cheese off her plate. at a restaurant. such manners.

Signature Moves: She is becoming so observant. She has noticed that Robert will come up and mess with me, either tickling me or pinching my butt and when she sees him doing it she will run over and start pinching me too.  When she laughs now over something silly she covers her mouth with both of her hands; it's adorable. We've also found if you wait to give her something that she really wants and ask for a kiss she will give you a real kiss on the mouth. IT'S SO SWEET!  She also loves rolling around on the floor with Kira, for whatever reason!

Also still not getting that we can totally see her :)

Current Words: She is in the middle of learning all of her animals noises: besides woof and meow she also knows "moooooo" and she beats on her chest and says "ahhhhh" when you ask her what a monkey does.  She claps her hands together and wiggles her hands for fish and does "sssss" for a snake.  We've been practicing "yes" and "no" rather than just shaking/nodding her head.  Sometimes she will surprise us with "hi" (it's actually more like "hey") and bye and said "ba" for ball this past weekend.   She will say "vroom vroom" for a car or a motorcycle and can (sort of) do the Itsy Bitsy Spider motions with her hands. She also loves trucks and will say "WOOOOOW" anytime a big one drives by. She also says "WOW" when she finds something she's not supposed to have (like my reading light).

Favorite Activities: I say it every month but she enjoys dancing and music more than anything. Imagine how much all babies and toddlers love it and then times it by 20 and you have Mila.  Kerry took her to a concert this past week and she said that, by far, Mila had the best time there and was dancing, clapping and shrieking in delight! She loves the stickers, park and sidewalk chalk and any activity outside.

Lastly. Doesn't this just melt your heart? I live for moments like this.

For all of the pictures from this month, click here.

On Becoming Babywise

No, no, no, contrary to the title of the post I am not an expert in baby care.  I do, though, feel it is my civic duty to pass along THE BEST piece of parenting advice I have ever received.  

Let's start at the beginning. You may remember this post where I announced my pregnancy; that was just a little over two years ago.  As soon as you tell people you are pregnant everyone wants to tell you their best friend's sister's cousin's daughter's story; this also begins the influx of advice, whether you want it or not. I, for one, love advice, but it does get a little overwhelming because everyone has something different to say about what works and what doesn't.  I remember talking with my friend Shantelle one day about our friend Jet (not her real name...it's Jessica....but I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually called her that) and her son, Andre.  Shantelle told me I should read a book that Jet read regarding parenting because Andre was an amazing child, so polite and well mannered, even to the point where he would put himself to bed at night!

Knowing me well, Jet knew how to win me over:  "With people as organized as us and knowing that we love schedules, you will love this." How was I going to say no to that? (Have you ever seen my family's color coded trip itineraries?!) So she lent me her book, On Becoming Babywise;  I must say, initially I was like THIS is it??? 

It looks like a book written in the 1970s (it was actually 1995), there is some religious undertone in it, which I was not bothered by, but also surprised with, and a quick search of the Internet at the time DID reveal that there is some controversy to the plan. But, really, with all the different parenting styles out there, what idea isn't supported and criticized by the masses?  So I figured, what the heck I would give it a try; I was going back to work at 6 weeks postpartum and I love me a good schedule.  I was sure that Andre was some perfect, magical miracle and his temperament had to come from his parents, not some book and schedule that I could follow; I was anxious to find out if that was the case.

Basically the books relies on a parent directed feeding schedule of "feed/play/sleep" (which is where the largest criticism comes into play in that many people believe that babies should be fed on demand).  The idea is that the baby eats as soon as she wakes up, then plays (and gets tired) and goes to sleep without nursing or taking a bottle; she learns how to put herself to sleep.   The idea is, just like with everything else, you have to teach your baby when to eat, play and sleep.  Of course if you're a crazy person with no common sense then I can see how this book might be criticized. As with all books out there you should use your knowledge as to what is right for you and your baby; plus, if you're like me you will probably read like 72 parenting books when you're pregnant so you will have much more information to go off of.

A newer, similar approach to Babywise was written about in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, which I also loved and could relate more to as it was more recently published.  She refers to the schedule as E.A.S.Y. (eat/activity/sleep/you time....who's going to hate on "you" time?!  Not this mom!).  Another reason I loved this version is you could find all kinds of other moms on blogs all over the Internet that followed this book as well and there were all kinds of tips and tricks, criticism and success stories.  My favorite was this cheat sheet by Noob Mommy that I printed out, hung on our refrigerator and gave a copy to anyone that was watching our baby from 6 weeks to 9 months. I followed each little schedule to. a. tee. (T?)

I loved using this schedule because I knew what to expect when. I always knew what to expect of Mila and I could plan my day around her routine. Not on do babies thrive on routines but it also helps the parents (and the caretakers!) know what to do.  Happy parents = happy babies.  It also made it easier for me to get out of the house (alone) for grocery shopping or other errands when I knew she wouldn't need to nurse for another set amount of time.  Housework, laundry, (naps!) and other chores were easy to make time for during the "you" time as well.

The book isn't just about establishing good sleep routines either; it explains that well rested kids are also very polite. Makes sense right?  From Jet's firsthand experience with Andre, to other blog moms who have followed this schedule you hear lots of stories about well mannered kids who were reared on this schedule.

So what's my success story? Why is this not just some other book out there?  I have three reasons:  First, Mila started sleeping through the night, consistently, at THREE months; it could've been three months or three years and we would've been happy, but we were ecstatic it was sooner rather than later.  Second, she is a DREAM to put down to sleep, we literally lay her in her crib and don't hear from her for like two hours for naps and 12 hours during the night.  Third, and most mind-blowing, for the past two weeks Mila has started "telling" us (going into her room and pointing to her crib) when she is tired and "asking" (she will shake her head yes (or no) if you ask her if she wants to go night night) to go to bed.  It's amazing!  And it keeps happening.  This was my "AHA!" moment that this routine (and lesson!) actually works; I only know two moms that followed this schedule; I also only know two moms whose kids are asking to go to sleep when they're tired.  Andre and Mila: Superstars.

Who really knows if it IS the child's temperament or if it's a schedule that produces dream behavior like this but I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone with a baby. It's definitely worth a try, right?  Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it while it lasts, that it won't be this way for the next baby....that sounds like a challenge to me :)