I write this post because I just finished the most phenomenal book I have ever read:
Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and it's like this book was dropped in my lap at the perfect time.
Now that I am pregnant with Baby #2 I think about what will happen after birth and what my job will be like. With Mila I was terrified that after having her I would not love my job as much anymore and it would be torturous to go to work every day; thankfully that is not the case and I truly love getting up (almost) every day and going to the office. This time around I find myself wondering if I am going to be ABLE to do it. Will we have enough money to have both kids in childcare? Will Robert be as willing to help as much with the new baby as he did with Mila (not to mention there will be two kids to care for this time)? Will leaving two kids at home change my mind about working? Finally, I still am wondering if this time around this baby will be the one to flip the switch and leave me hating work and despising our decision to create a lifestyle that requires both Robert and I to work, even if for me it's only part time.
Not only did Sanberg give great advice for women in asking for promotions or salary negotiation a large part of the book was spent on working mothers and the desire to "have it all." She devotes one whole chapter to
Making Your Partner a Real Partner, going on to say, "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman can make is whether she will have a life partner and who that life partner is, I don't know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully supportive of her career." Five years ago, heck even two years ago, I couldn't have understood how valuable that statement is. I absolutely could not devote the time and passion to my job without Robert's support, especially now that we have children. As I have said previously, it never crossed my mind that Robert and I wouldn't have a 50/50 relationship because I knew before I married him that that's just the type of man he is. He knew how important it was to me to work and he fully supported that decision; he might not have realized at the time that there would be days he would be the primary caregiver to our children or that he would have to make sacrifices of his own, but he's still all in and I couldn't be a luckier girl. In the book Sandberg says, "A truly equal world would be where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes;" We've already got our home on board, guess I need to set my eyes on the company next :)
In encouraging women to continue working outside the home, Sandberg says that children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not develop differently than those who were also cared for by others. She went on to quote a study that said: "Exclusive maternal care was not related to better or worse outcomes for children. There is, thus, no reason for mothers to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work." What a powerful statement. This was like music to my ears; with every question of "Will you continue to work" that is posed to me I always wonder if I am harming my children with my decision to stay in the workforce. Speaking of, after reading a chapter one night I asked Robert if, since telling people that we were pregnant, anyone had asked him, "Will you continue working?" He laughed and said not one person; I don't think there's been one person that hasn't asked me that. I think that in itself is such a powerful example. As women we have fought so hard to be equal to men and to have the same opportunities that they do. One of my favorite quotes from this book actually came from Judith Rodin, president of the Rockefeller Foundation and the first woman to serve as president of an Ivy League university: "My generation fought so hard to give all of you choices. We believe in choices. But choosing to leave the workforce was not the choice we thought so many of you would make." Unfortunately so many women have to make this decision because their career is seen as less important to that of her husband.
Probably the most eye opening and affirming part of the book for me was in regards to child care. Even in our relationship I know that if someone has to quit working, it will be me. As with a large percentage of couples, Robert makes more money than me and I (think I) have more patience and desire to care for two children than he does. I've often thought to myself, which has been confirmed by others, that if childcare gets so costly that I am working only to pay for someone to watch my kids I might as well stay home with them myself. Sandberg, however, argues that professional women need to measure the cost of child care against their future salary rather than their current salary. She quotes a study that says that women's average annual earnings decrease by 20% if they are out of the workforce for just one year and 30% after 2-3 years, which is the average amount of time that professional women leave the workforce. That's a lot of money! I've invested a lot of time in my career, and I've worked hard to get to the place I am today. It DOES make sense that continuing to work will increase compensation over time more quickly that stopping and re-starting; it makes me sad that no one has ever brought this argument up to me but I am glad that I've heard it now.
Although you might be thinking it does, this book does not shame a woman for wanting or having to stay at home with her children; rather it exalts them and argues that those moms should be recognized for the career
they are doing as well, it's just much more "working mom" centered. As you can tell, I think this book is
absolutely phenomenal. I have never been so excited to read a book nor so sad once it ended. After reading the book it's comforting to know that I am part of a rare household and am a woman fortunate to have it all. It's not all perfect but it IS work and it IS family and, more important, it's
my all. I get to have my cake and eat it too; and for that I will always be forever grateful to my wonderful husband.
